A while back I attended a music festival - one of those la-de-dah shows where the 'better people' attend to drink expensive wine and show off their lovely hats - and happened to be verbally assaulted by one of the most elegantly foul-mouthed grandmothers I have ever come across.
I was in the queue to purchase a bottle of champagne from one of the many marquees set up by the local wineries, when I noted two elderly and rather well-heeled ladies in front of me having a discussion about the increased numbers of riff-raff who were in attendence this year.
Considering myself (rather proudly) to be one of these so-called riff raff, I decided to listen in.
They chatted on about lack of etiquette, inappropriate dress sense, brashness and hooliganism, with a few choice comments about lack of class and 'new money, no manners' throw in. All done with the nasally, whiney voice pitch that only an elderly trophy wife can muster when speaking to her own kind.
At precisely the moment that the bottle blonde matron in the boucle suit started on about the lack of quality cars in the carpark this year, another rather well-dressed lady accidentally bumped into her whilst walking back past with her purchase.
She smiled apologetically and gave her excuses, all politely and rather grandly. Madam 'Boucle-Suit' simply tossed her nose in the air and scoffed a rather curt, 'Stupid woman' rather loudly. The victim turned, looked her up and down and commented that she had apologised, threw her nose in the air and left the scene of the crime. All was silent for a moment, then it happened ...
"What an absolute c*nt!"
I spun around at the outburst which rolled off Madam Boucle-Suit's tongue like a an olde English war cry. I must have been standing there with my mouth open for some time, as I was the next target of her outrage ...
"AAAAAAAAND?!"
I had made the mistake of making eye contact and watched as her carefully made up face and hand-shaped coiffure zoomed in on me.
My jaw snapped shut with an audible slapping noise ... then my mouth began to twist. No matter how hard I tried, I was overwhelmed. I burst out laughing, which was to be my ultimate downfall. Quick as a whip, she snapped her head forward, so close that I could smell her denture adhesive and launched a foul-mouthed tirade that would have made any docker proud.
There were words in there that I hadn't even heard of ... much less cared to use in the confines of my own home. I did what any good turtle would do, I closed my eyes and pulled my head in, waiting for the assault to run its course. Then ... silence!
Opening my eyes I was stunned to see her admiring a vintage Tiffany & Co. necklace I was wearing ... and smiling! She opened her mouth and I instinctively cringed, but was met with a lovely, "You have a wonderful afternoon, dear."
I was stunned speechless, but my friend wasn't - she laughed ... and the dragon turned its head.
As far as I know, my friend is still alive. I had more important things to do, such as living.
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