My friend Clare

Clare told me that she had a dream about me last night.
In this dream, Clare saw me holding hands with Jesus and telling Jesus that I was wrong about my anti-christian beliefs and that I would now dedicate my life to god.
Clare said that in this dream, I was smiling and happy.

Clare is f#cking nuts... and I'm starting to think she 'likes' me.

A while back I received an email from a lady by the name of Clare who had found my blog and was 'concerned' that I would end up in hell. Clare hails from Brian Head in Utah in the USA and has decided that - in her quest to get a free-pass into heaven - I would be her chosen charity case.

We have spent the last few months hurtling emails back and forth across the planet (I am starting to feel as if my soul is being used in a game of celestial ping-pong) and it appears that the more I dig my heels in, the more determined she becomes.

Clare has suggested that (after analysing ever piece of information she has been able to find on me - including records of which I have actually been removed from due to biblical misdemeanours - insert the theme music from Twilight Zone here) I try to make the following changes to my life, so that I may find my way back to god and be saved:

1) Stop living in sin.
I am not married, but my boyfriend is... I'm halfway there, Clare!
2) Busy my idle hands and stop wasting time on the internet.
Between killing kittens, eating my neighbours children and poking the eye-balls out of puppies, I really don't have time for much else, Clare.
3) Take up cooking.
I am adept at using my espresso machine and my microwave. At these appliances, I am a goddess.
4) Give my excess money to the church.
They have more money than me, Clare. Besides, I need to fund my illicit habits.
5) Stop being mean.
Stupid people are a god-given and free source of never-ending entertainment.
6) Get married and have children.
Why? I have no need to screw up my life with a bunch of slobbering free-loaders. See point 1.
7) Go to church and give your life to god.
The seats are uncomfortable and god already has squillions of minions, he doesn't need me.
8) Be more positive towards mankind in general.
Yup... I'm going to pop down to the local prison and give Ivan Milat a big-old hug!
9) Tell Jesus that I am sorry for not believing in him.
Once I get through apologising to Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, I'll get right onto that!
10) Don't be nasty to 'door-knockers'
Okay, I will share my beer with them, okay?

Clare, Clare, Clare...