Oh, joyous bounties!

Now, I'm not one to buy trashy women's magazines in the first place, therefor when I do read one I am suitably horrifed by their contents. Scary stuff like: 'How do I make my man jealous?' or 'Oh my god, my arse DOES look big in jeans!' or 'Paris Hilton wears underwear!' Gimme a break...

So, it was with the same curiosity that causes you to poke your head into dark places that I opened up one of those 'shop at home' catalogues during a break at work. Dear god... WTF are these people on?!

In order to give you a better idea of what delights-of-random-boganess are available in these leaflets, I'll give you a sample and review - making sure I include some of the incredibly talented copywriting in the ads:

1) FAUX SHEEPSKIN RUG IN NATURAL WHITE: Sumptuous, fluffy, comfy and cosy. These realistic faux sheepskin rugs are so soft and silky that nobody will ever know they aren't real.
* Faux, natrual, sumptuous and fluffy in the same sentence is downright scary. In the dead of night, these faux sheepskins leap onto your bed and tear your throat out... and you wondered where all the bad faux sheep go.

2) WONDER BANANA SLICER: Just press this banana-shaped, multi-bladed, plastic slicer down on a banana and you will have uniform slices in a jiffy!
* WTF...you'd spend just as much time washing the bits of banana out of it as you would slicing a banana. Add to that, anyone obsessed with their banana slices being uniform really needs a punch in the face!

3) LUXURY CLASSIC PATCHWORK LEATHER HANDBAG: Made of high quality, soft and supple patchwork leather, this handbag will delight you with its versatility and style.
* Delight?! Farking hell, obviously someone found a box of these in a storage shed that's been locked up since the 1970's! Dags of leather that have been swept up off the cutting room floor do NOT a luxury handbag make!

4) UNISEX PORTABLE URINAL: Made for both men and women, these sturdy plastic urinals remove the need to leave your bed if infirmed due to illness.
* Unisex? Either someone failed biology or there are a bunch of REALLY uncomfortable old folk out there busting for a pee.

5) ADULT WATERPROOF APRON: This stylish apron is perfect for those times when you need to keep your clothes clean and free from careless food spills.
* IT'S A BIG-ARSE BIB, PEOPLE! Looking at the pictures though, it appears to be pretty heavy-duty plastic around the neckline - may save you from faux sheepskin attacks.

6) MULTI-COLOURED FLORAL KAFTAN - ONE SIZE FITS MOST: Imagine your friends admiring glances when you wear this stylish and functional kaftan. 100% polyester in rainbow colours, it will delight you with it's classic look.
* Oh, dear god...

7) SOFA SAVERS: Correct your sagging sofa seats with this ingeniously designed and easily fitted sofa corrector. Make your sofa look like new!
* It's a stupid piece of cardboard you shove under your cushions because your fat-arsed mates have destroyed them... all for $29.95! For that price, they'd better lift my actual arse, too...

8) LUCKY CRYSTAL CHARM: Delightfully sparkling, this faceted and colourful gem will bring you luck and beauty! 100% unbreakable poly-plastic - a wonderful gift!
* Oh well, being plastic means it won't break into deadly shards when you shove it up the arse of the person who gave it to you...

9) BRAIDED CAT-SHAPED RUG: This amazingly beautiful rug will be a delightful addition to anyone's home. Made from totally recycled materials, it's environmentally friendly and cute too!
* Oh for farks sake... come aaawn...

10) DELUXE NAIL CLIPPERS WITH LIGHT AND MAGNIFIER: This deluxe set of nail clippers will allow even the most sight-deficient person to cut their own nails easily!
* Uh... if you need a magnifying glass and a light to even FIND what you are cutting, shouldn't someone else be doing it for you?

And to top all of this off, if I order within the next 30 days, I get a free goldplated, designer inspired, created diamond, fully adjustable one-size-fits all engagement ring... value $29.95!

Oh! Be still my beating heart!

No kidding, eh?

I've just had an argument with a friend about a few posts I've made on various websites over the last few days, regarding my use of a dirty word. The dirty word I've been using is... wait for it... MISANTHROPE.

What's a misanthrope, you ask? (Please assist by pressing your *RANT ON* button now).

Depending on who you speak to, the explanation ranges from raging sociopaths (think Hitler) to sniping holy-than-thou gay poets with a dislike of society in general (think Oscar Wilde). Personally, I like to compare myself to a (currently) famous character - Dr Gregory House.

I find most of the things humanity involve themselves with to be trivial, time-wasting and futile. I am no slave to fashion, have no interest in fads or current trends, I don't care if my non-conformity costs me 'popularity points'. I lack the 'herd mentality' required to accept religion and become a slave to the expectations of others.

Whilst my list of friends is rather compact, those that do understand and accept me as I am have my undivided loyalty and respect, for life... even if they do stupid things some times and piss me off. I'm not easy to make friends with as I am so finely attuned to your body-language (a gift from my grandmother, apparently) that I preempt your next move and can have you tagged as an arsehole even before you open your mouth. I can hate you on sight... and 99.9% of the time, my original instinct is correct.

I have no time for: multi-generation-single-mum-welfare leeches, people who whinge about how life has passed them by (while sitting on their asses... watching life passing them by), women who whine about not finding the perfect man (my advice to you all is 'Don't set your standards too high and you'll never be disappointed'), people who bitch about their ill health (while smoking their 43rd cigarette and drinking their 21st scotch), those who complain about being overweight (whilst eating a kilo of deep-fried balls of bacon-fat) and those who rely on (insert your Holy Entity of Choice here) for someone to thank/blame depending on their current circumstances because they are too frightened to make their own decisions and then claim the responsibility of their actions.

People... you are what you eat. You are what you do to yourself. You are what you think is real. You are what you believe. Stop blaming outside influences, bad luck, (insert the god of your choice here), other people, family history and social restraints... get OFF your arse and make the life that you want HAPPEN. If you never accomplish all your life's goals... IT'S YOUR FAULT.

In short? Humanity needs to pull it's head in and accept responsibility for causing death, destruction, wars, famine, cruelty, crime, over-population, opression and destruction of the planet. We busy ourselves with fashion trends, power-struggles, earning too much money, bickering over who is pissing in who's corner and whether our 'god' is bigger and better than your 'god'... then killing each other because we disagree.

Have I upset you? Good... now get off your arse and make your life better.

I don't care if people find me weird... anti-social... irreverant... or just downright 'acidic' (a moniker placed on me by one of the most indecisive, uncoordinated, two-faced and socially caustic individuals I have ever had the misfortune to encounter) - if I can improve one persons life by insulting them into living another 10 years, clip the wings of some soul-damaging gossip or embarrass a woman into leaving their fist-happy husband, I've justified my place in the universe without having to make any effort.

Whilst I hate many (with justification) and love very few (with all my heart)... I fear nothing and am content with who I am...

...and I'm happy about that :)

Muesli tastes good... WTF?

I have been making a concerted effort to eat healthy lately... it's amazing what a blood pressure reading of 172/112 will incite you into doing.

Since man first found a way to mix a concoction of grains together that was gritty enough to wear down his teeth to the point that the word 'attrition' was invented, muesli has been - for want of a better word - 'enjoyed'. Seeing as it is talked up as the healthiest way to start the day on a regular basis, I figured I'd give it a go.

Damn... there is SO much to learn about muesli!

Now, it's very rare that I have anything nice to say about something found on a supermarket shelf (unless it contains bacon, chocolate... or both) but after careful research involving annoying the living crap out of any shop assistant who strayed too close... I've actually found a muesli worth eating. Seriously... it's actually edible.

Woollies put out their own brand of healthy crap called Naytura - stupid name, but the muesli is good. After wasting large quantities of cash on 'healthy' mueslis that consisted mainly of either burnt blobs of crumbs held together by copious quantities of sugar and sprinkled with nuts or what could only be described as left over cattle-feed, I gave up on finding a muesli that I could eat.

Wandering around the aisles looking for cheap, tasty stuff that I could mix in with my rat's usual grain-food (I like to throw together a concoction I call 'Rat-Crunchies' from cheap cereals) I noticed the Naytura muesli in the healthy section. It had nuts, it had fruit, it had no toasting, it had no added sugar and it was on special - perfect!

Whilst making up my Rat-Crunchie mix, I figured 'what the hey' and tipped some into a bowl and chucked on some soy milk... awww maaaah gawd... it was good. It was probably the only one I tried that didn't have so much sugar in it that my lips hit the back of my head.

So, in a nutshell - Woolworths Naytura Fruit and Nut Muesli tastes good, and that's a fact... according to rats, both large and small.

January, September, March, April...

Since when - in Australia, anyway - is the second month of the year September?

I've just got off the phone from (insert name of phone company here). The purpose of my call was to find out when my contract expired and possibly lower my plan as I rarely use my mobile for anything other than a handy alarm clock.

After sitting on hold long enough to make a sandwich, I was put through to a lady with an American accent. Now, considering the current situation with call centre hiring policies, I automatically assumed she was somewhere in Delhi and had just finished a course on 'How to Sound Like an American, Australian or New Zealander'... until she had to tell me when my contract expired.

After confirming my ID, she advised me that my contract would finish on the ninth of the second this year.

So... assuming that my contract had already expired, I asked her what deals I was eligible for. I was met with silence, then a rather curt 'but your contract has not expired'. I reminded her that she had told me that my contract expired on the ninth of the second this year, to which she responded, 'yes this year, not last year'.

S: Okaaaaaaay, let me get this straight. My contract expires on the ninth of the second this year, yes?
O: That's correct
S: And it hasn't expired yet?
O: (sigh) That's correct
S: Are you drunk?
O: I'm sorry?
S: Let me rephrase that... what time-warp continuim have you transported yourself into?
O: (silence)
S: Can you please explain to me how, if my contract expires in the second month - being FEBRUARY this year - that it hasn't expired yet?
O: Oh, I'm sorry you must be confused, it's....
S: No, I am not the one who is confused. You are calling from a call centre in Australia, right?
O: Of course I am...
S: Now I KNOW you have been drinking!
O: (silence)
S: I hate to tell you this, but in AUSTRALIA February comes before September. Also - in Australia - the 2nd of September is described as the SECOND OF THE NINTH. We don't 'arse-up' our days and months like Yanks do.
O: (Silence)
S: So... once more for the dummies, my contract is not up until the 2nd of September, yes?
O: That is correct.
S: (Silence)
O: Did you wish to pre-extend your contract?
S: *CLICK*

Mmmmmm.... bacon!

... my name is Squik, and I am a Bacon-Addict. It has been 17 minutes since I had my last bacon... and with the grace of the almighty, I will last another 17...

Mmmmm... what is it about bacon that drives people mad? Is it the smell of succulent rashers frying in the pan? The taste of that salty, bacony goodness? Is it the crispy, crunchy texture of the rind as it snaps in your mouth?

Dammit, I simply cannot go past the stuff. If I had to define a food that I would crawl over broken glass for, bacon would be it. Regardless of what health regime I am inflicting upon myself, I must have bacon. When I am being really good, I grill it... but when I am being really bad it's fried and garnished with mozarella cheese... my second favourite food of choice.

Such is the effect bacon has on people, even the mere suggestion of it can have people running for their nearest deli. This was the case about a week ago, when a work colleague and I stumbled upon the topic in the last hour of our shift. I can't even remember how it started, but my colleague just casually mentioned how good bacon was and it went on from there.

What ensued was a marathon discussion of the virtues of bacon, which then escalated to an ever-widening trap that ensnared those that walked into it. We hit upon an idea - a social experiment, if you would - and as staff began to arrive, we would simply look them in the eye and say 'bacon'. Their faces would change and they would respond with something like 'yeah... that's what I'd like for breakfast, bacon! Damn, bacon... where can I get a bacon and egg roll?'

There was no 'why did you just say bacon?' or 'bacon? what do you mean, bacon?'... it seems that people are just programmed to buy bacon when the command is made.

It was like launching a plague and by 8am, we had just about everyone in the office estolling the virtues of bacon and arranging for someone to pop down the road and grab a shitload of egg and bacon rolls.

What other food can create such instant hysteria? Chocolate tends to be just a mid-afternoon or late-night fixation, but bacon transcends time and space. Slap a rasher of bacon on the grill and within seconds you have a room full of people asking what you are cooking... it doesn't happen with steak or chicken... only the magic of bacon has this power over the common man.

Don't believe me? Check out the Royal Bacon Society website: www.royalbaconsociety.com, they even have a pattern for knitting yourself a bacon scarf! Their slogan of "Bacon is Meat Candy" says it all...

So, when the clock hit 08:00 and my shift ended, I raced down to the local Woollies and purchased a big-ass pack of bacony wonderment... and a big-ass packet of grated mozerella cheese...

... I can stop any time I want, really... I can...