Seasons Beatings

Have a very Crisp Mouse and a Hippy Nude Deer!

Letters from Bill Posters

I've just got off the phone to a rather large and internationally well known magazine empire, that specialises in those smallish, family friendly mags that you find on the end of the checkout aisles in most supermarkets.

In short, I was not bloody happy with them.

Last year I signed up for a 12 month subscription as I had an interest in reading an upcoming article - namely mine. One month prior to the end of the subscription, I politely informed them in writing that I no longer wanted to read their magazine and would not be renewing my subscription.

One month later, a magazine appeared in my mail box.

I wrote on it RETURN TO SENDER and threw it back in the post... the same with the one that arrived the next month... and the next month... and the next month. Then one month I received an invoice... which I also wrote RETURN TO SENDER on and popped it back in the post...

... and one the next month that had REMINDER stamped on it... and one the next month with 2ND REMINDER stamped on it... and one the next month with FINAL REMINDER stamped on it... and then finally advising me that to avoid legal action, I had to PAY NOW.

All the while that I wasn't paying this invoice, they kept sending me magazines... and I kept writing RETURN TO SENDER on them and popping them back in the post.

Today I received what could only be called a 'threatening invoice' demanding that they are going to start legal action for the unpaid invoice of $49.95 that I 'owed' them.

Not this little black duck.

I jumped on the phone and blasted the first person silly enough to answer, who advised me rather curtly that I did indeed owe them for a 12 month subscription.
They maintained this view for approximately 2 minutes...

... until I mentioned how I had Googled them and read about the current issues they were having with the ACCC for invoicing unsolicited items.

I now no longer have to pay this bill... funny that.

Gifted child?

I was just reminded by someone of another reason why I am going to hell...

Some years ago I was bored out of my head, enduring a Christmas party attended by people I don't like much... including the irritating 3 year old of a distant relative. For the sake of the now adult child's emotional well-being, let's call him Toby.

According to his mother, Toby was 'gifted' and 'intelligent for his age'. In reality, he was a loud, rude, snotty-nosed pain-in-the-arse. His only redeeming feature was that had a sweet tooth... much to my delight.

Toby loved those fruit roll-up thingys more than life itself and, lucky for me, there were some in the house. So, much to everyone's astonishment (I don't like children... a lot), Toby and I spent a few joyous moments sitting on the floor cutting out star shapes for him to eat. There were lots of coos and comments about how my maternal instincts had finally kicked in.

After things had been quiet for a while, Toby's mum noticed he had disappeared and became somewhat concerned, wandering around the house calling... and then finally went outside in case he had slipped out a door somewhere. She was worried as the house was on a major intersection and there was also plenty of passing pedestrian traffic most of the time.

When she went out the front door, there were a few ladies gathered in a huddle who all smiled that 'knowing mother, poor thing' smile at her. As she got closer she heard mutterings of 'poor little dear' and 'oh, sweet little mite'. Toby's mum was somewhat perplexed, until she turned to face the house...

There was her 'gifted and intelligent for his age child' lovingly licking the glass, huge floor-to-ceiling glass windows looking right out into the world, showcasing Toby to perfection. Picture those poor little kids who ride the 'short bus' each day... and you've got it in one.

Amazing what you can do with a roll-ups star, a smart-arse brat and large window...

... she still isn't speaking to me.

Christmas with Clare

My newest bestie Clare (see previous posts) has invited me to come over to the U.S of A, so I can experience a truly spiritual Christmas with her family and friends.

Clare has offered such enticements as non-alcoholic egg nog, REAL ginger bread men (as opposed to ourwardly gay ones, maybe?), songs of praise and a supportive family situation. Dear god almighty....

In true 'Clareish', she has once again reminded me of my life of sin and various other socially unacceptable habits I have, such as not being able to crochet and apparently I dress and drink like a whore, and has offered to help me find my way back to god... starting with spending Christmas at her home.

Well, thanks for the invite sweetie, but I intend on having grandpappy drag the trailer down closer to the river, start up the still and go and shoot me a few possums to cook up. Momma's gonna drop a shift at the brothel so she can eat with us, and baby brother Bubba will be out on parole by then as well.

Ahhhh... gotta love Christ-e-mass, eh?

Oh, Clare... please drop the little Angels and flashing Choose God emoticons... they make me want to toss my cookies...

I'm not in love... no, no!

I've been doing some 'relationship counselling' with a friend whose husband recently left her for a newer model. She lives in another state, so we have been doing this via email or phone... and I think we may be getting somewhere... finally.

Giselle is funny, pretty and smart... just the kind of girl who attracts losers like Leo.

I got her to write down a list of reasons why their not being together is a good thing, and after she read it back to herself out loud... she laughed and said 'thank fark for that, eh? I'm thinking she has finally realised how much better off she actually is... funny that.

I'm publishing this with her permission, consider it part of the healing process... and besides, I find it funny that he really believes he 'deserves better'.

Leo... I hope your new lady-friend is reading this, it may save her years of annoyance:

1) He snores really loudly and won't admit it, keeps her awake all night
2) He owes her money for various failed 'business ventures' - LOTS of money
3) He licks the lid on every food item he opens - thens puts it back on
4) He wears the same socks 3-4 days in a row
5) He farts in public - loudly - and blames her
6) He thinks leaving skiddies in the toilet for her to clean up is okay
7) He believes housework is 'women's business'
8) Coming home drunk at 4am and expecting sex is the norm
9) Even after 7 years of marriage, going 'dutch' is still expected in restaurants
10) Not showering for 3 days then expecting 'oral pleasures' on demand
11) He doesn't have a credit card because nobody will give him one
12) A woman who earns more than he does obviously 'whored' her way into the job
13) Eating the last of anything is a man's right
14) He throws meals that he doesn't like at the kitchen wall
15) He believes that being 169cm and weighing near on 200kg is not unattractive
16) Body hair? Where DOESN'T Leo have body hair?
17) Likes to sit in traffic, pick his nose and then wipe it on the side mirror
18) Birthday presents... what are they?
19) Telling your wife that she 'used to be hot' on a daily basis is acceptable
20) Telling your wife that at 58kg she is 'fat' on a daily basis is acceptable

Onya, Leo - you're a star.